The first step is realizing you have a problem

So I am ready to acknowledge that I have had a constant cloud over my life. Depression. I guess I’ve always thought that unless there is a hormonal or chemical imbalance, a Christian should not struggle with Depression. That somehow the message of the Gospel is supposed to be the fix all for everything. I wasn’t wrong, but when you don’t understand how what Jesus did on the cross for you applies to the unhappiness draped over your life, it’s impossible to apply the hope and power of the cross. The truth is I’m confused, angry, uncertain, anxious, excited, bummed, disappointed, shamed, embarassed, exhausted, overweight, overwhelmed, understimulated, underfed-spiritually….and I have only myself to blame. How do you stop a life in a spiraling tailspin? Everything is connected. Everything is a result of one of the others. You’d think if I could get a grip on one, the rest would follow into line, but it doesn’t. Almost the opposite. I start to apply the power of Jesus and the cross to one area, and my weakness in another place drags any forward momentum back into the tailspin. I feel like a stupid dog chasing my own tail. If I start to take steps toward health and exercise, my house becomes a mess. If I clean the house, my meticulous mothering is in jeopardy. If I spend the day with my kids, caring for them and teaching them, the house goes to pot, AND I neglect taking care of myself. If I clean the house, eat right, cook healthy meals, exercise, have my time with God, take care of therapies, appointments, paperwork, phone calls ect…my kids are trailing behind me wanting a piece of their mommy. I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS!!!! Have you ever seen the circus performer that has the spinning plates balanced precariously on sticks? THAT is my life. And when one falls and shatters, I panic and throw them all and just sit and cry. Waking up in the morning, my first thought is “okay, just get through this day. It will be bedtime soon enough.” In other words “If you get out of bed, and don’t drop any of the “plates” before you tuck into bed, you are a sucess.” So I jsut pick one or two plates that I think I can handle for the day. While the other plates stack up and people get ignored, disappointed, frusterated, and hurt by me. Not my intentions, so it hurts me…let’s just add another layer to my cloud of depression. I am more than a conquerer through Jesus Christ who is my strength. Just keep swimming….


5 thoughts on “The first step is realizing you have a problem

  1. I am holding you in prayer, but it seems not nearly enough when I’ve got two hands and a mind and a heart of my own with which to act. Let me know what I can do to help, seriously. I will be home in a month and I would be happy to drive up once a month to provide companionship and run errands and give your house a top to bottom cleaning if that helps you balance your other plates.
    One other comment, with constant stress and chronic fatigue, your brain chemistry does actually change and what was a situational depression becomes chemical. There are a number of therapies you might consider, like a bright natural spectrum light (check out Verilux), St. John’s Wort, firm touch (like massage), and obviously the care of a psychologist. What you are struggling with, despite your outrageously positive attitude and deep faith, may need more help than you are currently getting. Sometimes the joy you know in your mind and in your heart and in your soul can’t break through the physical problems with your brain that stress and sleeplessness create.

    • You are welcome to come up and help any time you want while you are home! I’m finally being faithful to my women’s multivitamin and that alone has helped some. I’m also extending myself and have found one of our pastors at church that seems to be helping me sort stuff out. If I need more in the form of suppliments, I’m going to take a littel extra B vitamins and folic Acid to see if they help. St. Johns Wart would be next. thanks cousin! Hope to see you lots while you are home! Oh yeah, bring that boy of yours one of the times too. lol I love ya!

      • Well good, then I’ll plan to. I have some flexibility with work so I can take long weekends sometimes and of course I would love to get him to come with me, he’s agreed to definitely do a long weekend sometime when it gets warm enough for us to camp at the Glen because we LOVE hiking, and spend some time with ya’ll. I think his main hesitation is, he’s never held a baby before and he’s afraid he’ll like it. I told him if he comes with, he’s got to at least try it with so many kids around and he was like “Oh, um, yeah, maybe, but babies are…fine.” Now, if ya’ll have any battlefields nearby, I could get him to make the drive in a heartbeat 😉

      • Well Alex really isn’t a baby anymore. lol She may have the OPPOSITE effect on him cause she is quite a handful. :o) We DO have a battlefield close by. Check out Newtown Battlefield. It’s right off of 86 between Binghamton and Elmira. It’s got a pretty significant story I believ that he may enjoy. :o)

      • Sweet! Oh, I’m sure he already knows it lol. We go to places like Saratoga and I like the walk and he gets to be my personal tour guide “Oh and then Col. so-and-so came around this hill and flanked these guys.”
        Haha his idea of “baby” is not old enough to play football, or at least toss a ball around. Also, I’m sure that I will be up when Stacie has her baby and he’ll get to at least *look at* an infant up close lol.

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