So I am ready to acknowledge that I have had a constant cloud over my life. Depression. I guess I’ve always thought that unless there is a hormonal or chemical imbalance, a Christian should not struggle with Depression. That somehow the message of the Gospel is supposed to be the fix all for everything. I wasn’t wrong, but when you don’t understand how what Jesus did on the cross for you applies to the unhappiness draped over your life, it’s impossible to apply the hope and power of the cross. The truth is I’m confused, angry, uncertain, anxious, excited, bummed, disappointed, shamed, embarassed, exhausted, overweight, overwhelmed, understimulated, underfed-spiritually….and I have only myself to blame. How do you stop a life in a spiraling tailspin? Everything is connected. Everything is a result of one of the others. You’d think if I could get a grip on one, the rest would follow into line, but it doesn’t. Almost the opposite. I start to apply the power of Jesus and the cross to one area, and my weakness in another place drags any forward momentum back into the tailspin. I feel like a stupid dog chasing my own tail. If I start to take steps toward health and exercise, my house becomes a mess. If I clean the house, my meticulous mothering is in jeopardy. If I spend the day with my kids, caring for them and teaching them, the house goes to pot, AND I neglect taking care of myself. If I clean the house, eat right, cook healthy meals, exercise, have my time with God, take care of therapies, appointments, paperwork, phone calls ect…my kids are trailing behind me wanting a piece of their mommy. I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS!!!! Have you ever seen the circus performer that has the spinning plates balanced precariously on sticks? THAT is my life. And when one falls and shatters, I panic and throw them all and just sit and cry. Waking up in the morning, my first thought is “okay, just get through this day. It will be bedtime soon enough.” In other words “If you get out of bed, and don’t drop any of the “plates” before you tuck into bed, you are a sucess.” So I jsut pick one or two plates that I think I can handle for the day. While the other plates stack up and people get ignored, disappointed, frusterated, and hurt by me. Not my intentions, so it hurts me…let’s just add another layer to my cloud of depression. I am more than a conquerer through Jesus Christ who is my strength. Just keep swimming….