I’m not drowning, but I’m trying hard to just float. I don’t have the energy to swim. I am incredibly grateful, and I have no beef with God at this moment. He IS and always will be good. My beef is with and has been for the past few weeks, with mankind. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. I have the curse/blessing/gift of what you’d call a merciful heart. I give people every reason and excuse to do what they are doing, and in return I expect them to not judge me or think they have a CLUE as to what my life and circumstances are. It’s an ebb and flow of grace. I depend on it from others! I just don’t like being human right now. I am so tired of this world and it’s diseases and pain and murder of innocent lives and judgmental hearts from EVERYWHERE. People playing God and not trying to actually KNOW Him and please His heart. People hanging onto things instead of letting them go and receiving healing so they can live fully in the freedom, grace and love that is offered freely to them. Women blaming men and men blaming women. Kids young and old blaming their parents for what is in the past.
It makes me want to just hide… but I have to stay.
My husband, fed up with the bills we generate which by comparison are MUCH less than the average American family, the other day jokingly said “lets just get rid of all the technology, the phones, one car, cash based, everything paid off, build a modest house with a little farm and leave all this junk behind.” My response? “Where do I sign?” He knows my dream so he knew to expect that response, but still laughed at how willing I am to drop everything and change our lives drastically. He should know better than to joke like that at this point… I’m dead serious about it. I pray and I wait, for him to arrive at what is inevitable. lol
I don’t want anyone to think I am making light of people’s pain and hurt. Quite the opposite. I want FREEDOM for them because it’s just no way to live and their pain hurts my heart deeply! But at the moment there is something in my heart telling me to just be quiet for a season and just pray for all the pain and suffering I am seeing. If anyone thinks I am introverting, please do not think it is in rejection or neglect of you. I am just feeling ALOT so very heavily right now and am almost constantly praying for one person or another.
On the bright side, I’m learning how to not sink. There’s an improvement over the past and a step forward!
Peace and Grace,